Saturday, August 2nd, 2008 1:47 pm

"I wanna be your boyfriend...."

Today, I am reminded of those lyrics from the Ramones.

Hey, little girl I wanna be your boyfriend
Sweet little girl I wanna be your boyfriend
Do you love me babe? what do you say? do you love me babe?
What can I say? because I wanna be your boyfriend.

Why am I thinking along those lines? EZ emailed me out of the blue. Good old EZ Trouble (RN: Frank Hawthorne) from Whiskyblood. He's so sweet, and nice, and... well, yeah, that too. He's single again.... And now that we are BOTH single... Well, I am usually single, you know how that goes. Why buy the butcher shop when you get the sausages for free, right? He wanted to know how I was, and if I'd been in any trouble... NO!

He still worries about me after that fucked up party we were at two years ago. Remember that one Ceej? Where all the girls got Roofie'd and raped including me? I'd woken up next to EZ, and despite the raging headache I had, and the fact he was still 50% dressed, (laced fully into his skintight black leather pants, boots, belts, etc.) I beat his ass thinking he'd done it to me. I was certain that he was the source of the spooge leaking out of me, and was owner of the breath I recalled feeling in my ear, and the weight pressing me down I thought I'd dreamed.

I of course was wrong, and when I was finally able to listen to reason from him, he explained what had most likely happened, and he was right. We were tight for a while after that. Well, we were as tight as a Straight Edge guy with a clingy girlfriend with an IQ to match her shoe size and a chick thirteen years older than him could be.... We'd meet up, and sit someplace and just talk, or cuddle. That's it. We'd never even kissed. He's monogamous like that. One in a billion.

He was the one that got me out of that nightmare. Drove me to the hospital, and waited while I got a morning after shot, tested for things I didn't want to think about, (All came up negative) and then drove me home, and held me until I fell asleep safe in my own bed wrapped up in his arms, and a valium.

SO, now he's back, and pawing at me like a kitten. *sigh* A cute kitten.... In leather pants. He wants to come out and see the show, wants to know if he can stay for a few days. Uh huh. Trouble is, I am in a "I hate men in bands with poofy black hair and eyeliner" phase. Fuck you Frank Montrose, that is your fault.

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Sunday, August 3rd, 10:30 pm

Someone tell me what I want.

EZ. EZ. EZ. Why can't I stop thinking about you? I know what you want, at least I am pretty sure, and I don't know if I can do that. Especially on the road. I feel hooking up with you would be Are you man enough for me to want only you? Am I mature enough to finally stop my games and be with one guy? Fuck. Would you coming out here really do either of us any good? I can't see where it would. If that's what I believe, in my heart, why did I give you my cell number?

Current mood: confused

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Thursday, August 7th, 2008 8:48 am

Guh!!

Just. Guh! I mean it as a GOOD Guh too. EZ is here now, he's been here a couple of days, and I'm glad for the company. We walk around all friendly like, sometimes we hold hands, and giggle at stupid shit, and just look like the most darling, mismatched couple in High School. Sort of. It also hasn't taken long for word to get around the Fest among the bands that "Sophie has a new guy!!!" Fuckers. Sophie has a FRIEND visiting. Considering EZ and I don't do anything conjugal, he's hardly "My Guy" in that sense. But, guess who came not so slyly sniffing around yesterday and managed to catch me alone while EZ was in the bus? Yep. Good old Frankie. It went something like this, short and bitter:

Frankie: "Hey, there you are sexy, I've noticed because I'm an observant sort of guy that you keep going out of your way to avoid me. What's up?" He said as he blocked my way between two buses by standing there, legs spread and arms crossed over his chest.

Soph: "Oh, so you have observation skills, but not any memory that's worth a shit. Is that what the excuse is Montrose?"

Frankie: (He frowned) "My memory is just fine, and I don't seem to recall saying anything or doing anything to you that would warrant this sort of cold shoulder bullshit from you. I know you've got some new boy following you around..."

Soph: (I cut him off there.) "Well, your memory is like your playing, for SHIT. Let me refresh it for you..." I said, then leaned in close to him. "Did you find those condoms you went looking for yet?" I hissed at him, then stepped back and crossed my arms over my chest.

Frankie: (Looked confused, then suddenly, that "OH SHIT!" look came over his face, and he tried to hide it, but I saw it.

Soph: "Right, I'm still waiting, or wait, NO, I'm not you cocksucker. Bye!" I said and shoved past him and continued back toward my bus. When I turned the corner at the end of the row of buses and looked back, he was still standing there, fists clenched, and head tilted back, yelling "FUCK!" into the sky.

Asshole.

Current Mood: pissed off

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Friday, August 8th, 2008 8:02 am

Why me?

Dear God, why me? I am not speaking to the man who would fuck me speechless in a seconds' notice, and the one I WANT isn't into "casual sex", yet he is here cuddling the shit out of me, and driving me out of my MIND! He doesn't think I know he's jerking off every morning when he gets up to go piss. But I hear him.... Bastard.

Current mood: frustrated

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Sunday, August 10th, 2008 12:17 pm

Iddn't he ickle kyoot?

I snapped this when we were sitting for a photo shoot for Kerrang! I told him to go sit up there and I took a couple shots of him. Goofy boy.

He joined us onstage last night for "Kiss of Death" and did a smoking solo. We did it late in the set, so not too many pros shooting the show at that point, but I am sure the fan shots of it will be all over MySpace etc. today.

Oooooh gossip for the mill!! He's leaving in a couple of days to go back to LA to work on demos for the next Whiskyblood CD. Gonna miss that boy. He can make me feel lighter, and at ease with just a smile. Things are so fluid for him it seems. Never a cloud in the sky in his world, and the road always rises to meet him. God, if only mine could go that way once in a while. Please?

Maybe I can talk him into a goodbye shag before he goes. Not likely, I know. He's got his morals, and beliefs, and being Straight Edge and all that. I've sort of liked living his lifestyle for the last week or so, he's kept me distracted from MOST of my cravings and boredom diversions. I just know once he's gone, the party will be back on.

I think he knows that too.

Current Mood: mellow

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Friday, August 15th, 2008 8:51 pm

Alone again....

Yep. He's gone. EZ has headed back to LA to work on demos for his band's next CD, and I hated to see him go. Who wouldn't? He's GORGEOUS, sweet, smells wonderful, and great to be around. We caused quite the gossip mill apparently with our hanging out together, walking around, holding hands, and such. We kissed I think, twice. We fucked... NEVER. I even tried to give him a handjob one night, and he wasn't having it. I think I would have had better luck with a priest. OK, that was bad. But you get the picture.

He asked me over and over, "Do you want to go out? Do you want to be 'mah girl'? Guh, that accent kills me. I couldn't say "yes". I just couldn't and of course gave him fifty and one reasons why it would't work, instead of ways we COULD make it work. I've always been the de-constructor as compared to the constructor in situations requiring work, and dedication. Why can't I just be with him? One guy? Be monogamous? Am I that much of a slut? That much of a nympho? No. It runs deeper than that. Trust. I have serious trust issues. (Thanks again Nadir!) and surrendering that independence again scares the Hell out of me. Even when it's to a completely sweet, loyal, and incredible guy, I can't just let go of my defenses, guards, and fail safes. It's too scary, way too scary. So, with EZ gone, and me left alone and back to amusing myself, I picked up like I'd never hesitated, and continued on with the party. OK, shall we place bets as to how long it will take Frankie to come sniffing around again? I bet before tomorrow night he's gonna show up and try to worm his way into my heart, or more likely, my pants. Jerk.

Current Mood: blah

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Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 1:08 pm

Bad Sophie

So, with me, it's either Booze, or Boys. I can give up one or the other, for a time, but never both, forever. The last time I was with a guy guys, was two days after EZ left. I TRIED, but I'm addicted. At least I haven't fucked FRANK. Yet. We all know that is coming, no pun intended. It's inevitable. He's the shark that circles, and circles until the prey is weak, and the time to strike is here.

So, back to the booze. I do really stupid things when I am drunk. Yes, yes, moreso than when I am sober. Last night after the show I did the Meet and Greet, the barbeque, and then ducked into the bus to avoid temptations of the Frank. I downed a LOT of rum, and then remembered I needed to put my bike back into the trailer. Bad call #1. As I was pushing it up the ramp, in the dark, drunk, I slipped, and went down. Fucked up my knee and elbow but GOOD, but didn't drop the motorcycle! Go me.... So I got it tied down, then went back to the bus, took a pain killer, and washed that down with a beer.

Then I found a picture of EZ in my bunk, and just stared at it for God knows how long, and got all fucking Emo. So I called him. Bad Call #2. He picked up the phone, I think I woke him up. I panicked, blurted out, "I love you." and then hung up. Smooth, real smooth Soph. It's not like he's going to figure that out, despite my number being a hidden restricted one. FUCK!!!!

I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not. I love him. He loves me not.

Seriously. I belong in the gutter with Frank. He's gonna drag me down there eventually. If not him, someone else. I know it, everyone knows it, and I'm too tired to fight it anymore. What was it that Billy Joel said, "I'd rather laugh with the Sinners than cry with the Saints."? Yeah. I'm just overly emotional right now I guess. Don't panic everyone, I'm not going off the deep end. Yet.

Current Mood: blah

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Friday, August 22nd, 2008 11:59 am

TMI

( So, Lia and I were chatting... )

Current Mood: amused

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Sunday, August 24th, 2008 7:51 pm

WHO: Soph and Frank Montrose
WHERE: White Trash Carnival Tour Bus
WHEN: Tonight, after the after show festivities.
WARNINGS: Het Sex. Drugs.
NOTES: This comes after Frank and Soph have been shagging for a couple of weeks.

( Silly Pills )

Current Mood: giggly

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